I didn’t realise this book was a “download” (as the spiritual hipsters would say,) over many years.
I could feel the magic in the exchange when I received images, ideas, flowing in effortlessly—it was clear that I was not creating in and of myself, from this bodymind only. And so ofc I would mourn when that feeling of effortless, magical flow dissipated...
In it; I felt like I had a special conversation with the source of magic.
Without it I wondered what was I doing wrong all of a sudden?
And I would be left for months without that feeling; of the greater collective atmospheric muse gifting me—conversing with me. It went from being the most integrated collaborative partner ever, as if literally embedded in me, while also reaching beyond All…
—to gone.
When ‘gone’ I felt like I was trying, forcing and incredibly dissatisfied with the outcome of my efforts. I also found I was less and less motivated to sit down and write.
The fear of being un-magical grew, just as the desire to be magical pined more and more.
I had received the gift of magical exchange, without asking, in the privacy of my home, alone, and nowhere else in my life could I, or had I experienced this.
I realise now that’s not entirely true, because when I reflect with more of an open mind (rather than the self pitying one!) I also experienced magic when I was dancing and performing professionally. I have potent memories of a magical kind of flow infusing my bodymind frequently. When I recollect those moments now a sense of quiet pride: A Knowing was present.
There was no aspect of me questioning my capacity or doubting. I was soaring.
I always thought that it was the thousands of hours of intense dance training that enabled this kind of confidence and powerful flow. So bc I attributed this capacity to training, training became the way, the hope, the light.
“Work harder and eventually things will become easier, better. That is The Way.” Became a core belief.
Source as a name or fully fledged concept was unknown to me during this very early adolescent 20s period of my life.
I’ve always had a Knowing/a belief in an all pervading presence, but during this period the Knowing was very quiet, and getting increasingly drowned out by all of the conditioning; the beliefs, the fears and the desire/desperation to achieve to ‘survive’.
When I reflect now I feel, due to training for thousands of hours, the extreme familiarity with the structural/formal aspects of performing, which enabled the particularity of the shapes, the coordination, the musical, muscular knowledge developed over time, all of these now ‘comfortable’, established, to a certain degree learned technical aspects created a relaxation of bodymind which allowed the mind to soar…
I would describe this now as the finite, conditioned mind being given the environment necessary to relax/soften thereby becoming porous to Greater Mind / Intuition / Infinite Source—Knowing.
The confidence, ownership and Knowing I as a result associated with my body was basically always present. Through my body I knew me. In my body I could be proud. Somehow there was more of me—my innate power—in charge, in surge, in flow. I didn’t understand this or appreciate it at the time. While that relationship with my body has not disappeared, it has been tested many times, particularly when faced with injury.
Which makes complete sense bc the ‘breaking down’ of the body in injury flies in the face of the strong and generally reliable identity I was forming with my body. What I can clearly see now is that the identity I had formed so strongly with my body, then became the crucial site of intense learnings, as that identity/set of beliefs have been questioned, unravelled and re-imagined.
Simply: my body has been the site of my most potent learnings—perhaps this is obvious and true for everyone?
All I know is the stakes were extremely high when it came to my body and its capacity. If it was injured I not only lost my strongest identity, confidence, power and flow, I also potentially lost my income. And the future always loomed, “when the body would finally break down without any way to return” (= learned conditioning.)
How would I, as someone who so strongly identified with the vitality of my body, live through this inevitable death?
What I am learning now, 46 years in, is that a different kind of listening and movement Calls, as time goes on. And in fact, at the age of 38 I found myself stronger and cleverer in the way I was moving and performing than when I was in my explosive, impulsive, impressive 20s. Now, in my mid forties, for sure there is a slowing down. I’m not so interested in bouncing around. I’m slower to run from a standing start. There was a transition where I definitely grieved the me that would basically run everywhere voluntarily.
I love her now and Know she is within me and can also appreciate how I have transitioned gradually from Maiden to Mother (even though I’m not a biological Mother, teaching and caring have been very present and important during this mid stage of my life.)
Now I’m very aware of honouring my becoming into Crone-ship.
For me it has been super important to flip the script on the assumptions of aging being a continual diminishing. I reject that. I believe my bodymind is simply now becoming more porous; entering gradually further and further into the weaves of Greater Infinite Mind.
And if my mind creates my body’s objective form, which I believe it does, then ofc my body’s structural, fleshy nature is also undergoing a major re-fresh as I re-imagine who I am now, and what’s important now, at this New stage of my life.
From this vantage point, many years later, I now realise that magical flow has been with me all along, in conversation with others—imaginations meeting; collaborating in a simple act of fun, shared joy. In relationship moments that feel like we are One body. When my body or mind is suddenly taken in a direction.
And it is true at times it does feel like the magic has left me cold.
Thankfully now I know the source of this magic has never left bc it is Source, it is the Great Creator and there is no difference between me and that. We are One.
So why does it feel like it’s left?
While I can’t say for sure, for everyone. I now understand that all of our experiences before and since birth condition us to believe in certain stories which contain limits which reflect the objective reality we appear to live within. That our senses sense.
And the myth that we are separate pieces somehow distanced from a Great God / Source underpins this fundamental distortion.
While we may feel “not good enough”, or un-magical at times, these assumptions are actually impossible, bc we are all made of the only Source there is which is inherently magical, abundant and joyful. It is only our experience’s learnings; our conditioning which flavours any experience we have as good/bad. Our conditioning also seems to predict that bad equates to a quick path towards death! Which leads to our bias away from pain—”Anything but pain!” Might as well be our catch cry. As we grope towards pleasure.
When in fact all experience is an expression of Source and as such is perfect.
I digress…
So my book Her Subterranean Labyrinth began more as a journey of self discovery. I was doing a lot of comparative myth research and found myself resonating with beings who weren’t sexed; Angels, Gods etc and with hybrid creatures—or beings that were designated unusual or “other.” I was intrigued bc I felt a kind of inexplicable kinship with…A Calling into an unknown Knowing was blossoming.
At that time I was increasingly feeling not like others in my life. My yet unknown brand of Queerness was certainly not what my Mother intended! Or my school/society designed. So mythic research helped to expand my perception and provoked me to imagine into the affect of different paradigms the world has been impacted by.
The myths from all corners of the globe drew me into different world views. I was introduced to animism and other cultural beliefs that led me into what I would describe now as Greater Mind/Intuition. My imagination of those times and peoples and how they must have moved in the world took me into ‘wonderland’, which relieved me momentarily of the feeling of otherness that was becoming more pronounced in my daily life as I navigated life choices, and relationships, awkwardly, in my mid twenties.
Her Subterranean Labyrinth was first a script and is almost unrecognisable from its inception in my mid-20s, it has again and again proved itself to be a symbolic oracle over the years. Many times showing me that the magic I had intuited was actually predictive of the way my life turned out. It was teaching me through symbolism about who I am.
I would only learn this much later, in fact nearly twenty years later after so many infantile tantrums; screaming “I don’t know how!” creating another 6 month/12 month pens down; “I give up!”
So the process with this book became less of “I’m making a product” to “I am being shown who I really am through this book’s co-creation with Source ”—and I don’t mean I’m being shown my personality—I mean its showing me the true nature of my Beingness. It is showing me I am Source.
I watched as it coaxed me down all kinds of pathways, from shadowlands to magical wonder to void, still; “I don’t know.” Which just quietly is my most unfavoured: a sense of not Knowing.
Bc ofc the finite mind is freaked out by not Knowing. The finite mind believes its predictive powers create a sense of control and safety in what is ostensibly an out of control human experience.
Not Knowing is ofc the greatest myth, we cannot be disconnected from the Greater Mind, it is Source: it is All. So this misconception points back to conditioning.
Where did I learn, and then consolidate so strongly this learning that I am somehow disconnected? Separate to others, separate to Source.
It’s simply because our magnificently clever senses create objective/finite pictures from the wavelike frequencies, the expressions of Source which manifest our reality.
Why do they do that?
Because while we are all One True unbreakable Essence with all things and space known and unknown, our human reality gives us the opportunity to experience being located in a particular space within that One Great Essence.
The infinite whole of Source cannot experience reality manifest the way we can, as located, objective life.
Infinite Source’s point of view is literally like imagining what it would be like to gaze out of an infinite number of eyes, directed in an infinite number of different directions—the vision would be more than blurry it would simply merge into a kind of no-thingness/void. And multiple this kind of experience into everyone of the senses; so many smells=no smells, so many sounds cancel each other out, etc etc.
This is how we get to the description of Source as Stillness and Silence.
And while all our objective language becomes inaccurate when describing the infinite nature of Source, language is an important way we point to the invisible presence of Our Creator when communicating with each other. We must remember though, when describing Source, language cannot be used definitively or absolutely.
Why is all of this important?
Because: We are all the Great Creator. We are not alone or separate.
We are in co-creation constantly.
This is a very useful way to relieve any kind of activation based on fear. And it is an important reminder for those of us in a creative process giving ourselves a hard time for not being “all that.” Bc we are always all that. It may just be that all that isn’t within our human body’s range right now. However we can rest assured that at exactly the right moment, we will have exactly the right insight and take the right action. As the infinite wisdom of the Greater Mind is always combining the whole effortlessly.
Due to our located humaness our minds gaze at, or experience reality from a particular point of view, as a result we can’t see/sense All, like Source does. And yet we can still intuit Greater Mind, the density of our finite mind when relaxed allows it in—we have a Knowing of it.
And this Knowing I am describing doesn’t have the same quality as sensing. Knowing is, for want of better words, ‘lighter’, or ‘quieter’. So in comparison to the loud, shiny, density of objective reality, it’s easy for the subtleness of Greater Mind to be missed.
It is like the greatest secret hidden in plain sight.
It is simply the lightness of awareness.
The Lightness of Being.
So what am I to do with this inane rabbit hole into the nature of consciousness?
Well this is my very long way of saying that; when a relaxed bodymind becomes porous and allows imagination in, we have access to Infinite Knowing.
In my experience this kind of creative flow isn’t something that can be forced, however a relaxed, therefore safe, comfortable bodymind helps. And how do we happen upon a safe, comfortable bodymind?
Ahhh this is your question for you? It is unique to each one of us.
I am still living this question. And will be eternally…
All I know is; in the process of continually following the impulse to write when it came up through my body as a desire, while it wasn’t always pleasurable, or magical, some pathway followed, which inevitably led to another, until sometimes magical symbolism flowed from my pen—hardly moved by me—which in-formed me, gave me wonderous metaphorical scenes, that, without realising at the time, were revealing who I really am. The merging of ancient history and future, the blend of parallel dimensions all coming into One were giving me the Truth of this reality, for Me, from Me.
Me being Source. I being Source. All Being Source.
The desires and conjurings of my writings informed me of the multiplicity of my nature as Source.
The desires and conjurings of my writings evidence the inexplicable predictive wisdom and magic I have access to as Source.
While it’s been more often than not a frustrating, long and unwieldy process, it has also been literally mindblowing, awakening me to the truly Great multidirectional, magnitude of Source.
Through this creative process I continue to be gifted an intimate meeting with the mysterious expressions of who I really am: Source: The OG Creator.